Unusual and Exciting

I guess my blog is not really a blog unless I blog on it but not much is going on in regards to our adoption.  The home study is still being written up and until it is done I can’t do anything else or at least it would not make much sense to go ahead with the dossier until the home study is approved.  Has it happened to anyone that it was not approved?  I don’t think I’ve ever read anywhere of a home study not being approved but there is always a first time so I just want to make sure that part has gone through before I think about anything else.  So, I sit here waiting and wondering really, why would anyone at this stage of their lives, past fifty want to bring more children into their home?  I suppose it would be the same reason that someone who already has five kids, or ten and even fifteen would still want to adopt; they enjoy raising children. It is wonderful, rewarding and you have a good time doing it.  At the same time you are helping a child with medicals, education and most importantly love they would not otherwise have. It works both ways.  There is satisfaction at both ends of this spectrum called adoption.  I watched the Little Couple adopt their baby boy Will, what a joy he will bring to their lives. He’s adorable. So should they in their situation adopt?  Of course they should.  Anytime there is a desire to help a child it is a good one.  But let’s not forget that there is a certain amount of excitement involved here too.  Why do some couples adopt again and again? I can’t disregard that they crave this excitement; to “find” your child, to know your child is “waiting” for you, to “meet” your child and to bring your child home and watch him/her “grow”. It is unusual and exciting.   But above all if helping a child is in your heart then that’s all that matters.

Here is a recent pic of my little grandson.

Home Study - Done !

So, we are done with the home study.  It’s hard to believe it but it’s true.  It will take another few weeks to get it all written up but I am so relieved that this part is over.  My husband was with me and in fact we celebrated our 30^th Wedding Anniversary the day before; got a huge bouquet of roses and flowers which was so thoughtful of him.  So he can’t be all that mad at me for putting him through this.  We shall see what unravels if anything after this or will I come to the conclusion that still I can’t do this.  I’m too old.  Then I look at these other ladies my age who have just brought a child home from China and they seem to be able to do it just fine; raise a young child I mean, some of them have more than one which is amazing I think.  When your will is so strong to help a child that you bring home four or five children and you can see them blossom with love and care that is all that counts, not what age you are.  At the bottom of it all you do what you have to do to keep that child fed, clothed and loved, you just do it, it’s a natural instinct in us and it doesn’t matter if you’re thirty or you’re fifty. When they grow up to be a teenager will they be embarrassed to have an older mom?  Probably but at least they have a mom and dad; that safety net they need to prosper.   

For now I breathe a sigh of relief that we’ve scaled this mountain but I know there are more mountains to come.  Still the home study has to go into the government and be approved.  Right now we don’t see a reason why it wouldn’t be but you never know what they’re looking for.  So we’re looking at the summer by the time this is all said and done if summer ever comes.  Temperatures here are up and down every day so that there is no real promise of spring much less summer but hopefully soon.  

Never did I think when I was younger that I would be on this road to help a child in this way but something in me just says that this is exactly where I should be.

30 Years This Tuesday

This week we celebrate our 30the Wedding Anniversary.  Yes, we’ve been married thirty years and in that time successfully raised three children.  That whole time we were watching them grow up and making sure they have everything they need to learn to be adults themselves and now they are.  Our job is done or so I thought and so my DH still thinks.  We are done. So how is it that if one is called to help an orphan/adopt that the calling comes after you think you were done raising children?  Why is it for some people it’s before they even start a family, or during raising a family and for some it’s after?  Yes, I know the plan is his, not ours. I try telling to my DH but it’s not sticking.  I told him it has nothing to do with us or what we want, or feel or think. The plan is his. Still he is doubtful. I can’t help that thinking that there is a lesson to be learned here in some way. I wish I knew what it was. What is it exactly I am fighting for? Is there a child really meant for us or is it something even greater than that?  But what can be greater than the gift of a life for both child and us?

Though I’m firmly on this road I’m still so full of questions.  I wish the questions were answered all at once … now but I have to be patient and surely I’m learning to be patient much more than I ever have before.  At times my nerves are raw and the slightest bit upsets me but that too I need to learn to control, take a deep breath and go on.  Is this what it was like for Jesus Christ when he was on the cross for us who took a deep heavy breath with each fall so he can go on.  Someone wrote in a Yahoo group, adoption is not for the faint of heart; no it’s not but you can certainly learn from it, you can find strengths in you that you never knew you had, strengths that are dug up and brought to the surface and you realize these are the values that make you who you are, who you’ve always been; in my case perhaps, a good mom.

Be As It May

There is so much waiting in adoption.  You do a couple of steps and then you wait.  With the home study you wish you could do it all at once but you can’t.  There is so much the social worker wants to cover especially in our case and then even the social worker needs a holiday.  So we wait for her to come back.  In the meantime my DH and I are doing more talking and there is some peace at completing the home study and hopefully achieving a successful outcome.  My belief that we were meant to do this (help a child)  has not wavered but we have both had to come to a compromise.  I know in adoption there is no compromise, you either do it or you don’t do it but that’s just it, I realized that is the compromise – after completing the home study and getting an approval we will decide then to either adopt or don’t adopt.  I have had to accept that the adoption may not happen.  I can’t force it to happen. I cannot put a child into that situation where it may not be wanted.  I will let the dice roll where it may so to speak.  My DH has agreed that it may or may not happen which is a step ahead of it will not happen as it originally began.  In fact this weekend he has seen me buy a piece of clothing or two for this child and he smiled and said he is ok with it.  He has admitted he can see how my eyes light up when he mentions China.  I am praying about a child but I’m afraid to think too much, care too much, ask too much about her but she is neglected and needs help very badly.  I wish I could whisk her out of there right now but I can’t, I have to wait and see what God has in mind for us.  We went to church again on Sunday, all our kids, grandson, my parents, my niece, I brought them all, is this what you wanted my Lord, I say.  My time through the home study has been emotionally painful, is this my sacrifice to you?  If so, here it is, here is my sacrifice and acceptance of you again, my Lord.   

Fortune Cookie Speaks Truth

And now for something completely different; my fortune cookie from last weekend hit the nail on the head.  Not sure who or how they come up with these wordings but it seems to have been created just for me.  It was on my Instagram but here it is again.  I just like looking at it and thinking how appropriate it is but it’s become a battle with us and the battle is hard.  Huge mountains have to be moved in order for this to happen.  They are moving but very slowly, inch by inch. 

However a few good things have already happened as a result of this journey.  For the medicals we had to be weight and it seems my husband did not like what he saw, I liked it even less for “many” reasons.  I’ve talked to him about the weight before but it just didn’t seem to hit home like a look at that number on the scale which of course he tries to avoid.  Ever since he’s been doing something about it and there are results.  Thank the Lord for that.  This makes me very happy and my husband healthier.  We are talking more with the kids and each other which also makes me happy and most of all, we have found a way back to our church and hopefully back into our faith that we have fallen out of.  If we are being called to adopt, we are being called back to our faith even more so.  In that case I have been called first because I would be more receptive and I am and through me my husband is starting to hear it to, though he tries not to and resists but deep in his heart I believe he knows that when people say something has to be done; someone has to do something; if only every family took in a child there would be no more orphans and innocent children would suffer no longer – that someone includes us.  It’s not for the rich or the most perfect parent, it’s for people like us; ordinary people who care enough to do something to help a child in need.  Also, for older parents who’ve already had the blessings of children now grown up it is a chance to pay it forward for the life they had; give one little lost soul a chance at life it may otherwise never have.   

It Goes On and On

So, at last my son did meet with the social worker at her office.  For the longest time he would not go see her, then it was to be here and then finally he did go see her.  He didn't tell me what they talked about and I didn't ask.  He only said that he told the truth that he didn't think this was a good idea but that is not the most important part, it was more important what he had to say about growing up in this family and I hope that was all good.  The social worker liked all three of our children and it appears we did a good job with them.  They made some mistakes as kids do but they learned from them.

Then came our turn which I hoped would be our last session but that was a complete disaster; a very grueling; emotionally draining session.

My reluctant hubby has said he would go along with the home study to see what happens but at this session it all breaks apart.  He’s still not ready.  I am asked a million questions by the social worker what drives me.  Why can I not give in or give up?  I say I wanted to help a child.  She says children aged 1 to 3 don’t need me; there are plenty of other people ready to adopt young children.  I remind her that we stated 2 to 5.  She then goes on with what if this happens, what if that happens and the other.  I say we’d deal with it as we have been.  She says what if your husband needs you more, or your grown children whom we would need to continue to parent, what if my parents need me and I’d be stuck with a child.  First of all where do I come in on this, where is me, it seems ok for me to give to everyone else but not the other way around??  And second we had three children and things happen all the time, we dealt with it if we had a toddler, a seven year old or a teenager, it doesn’t matter.  You do what you can.  You can’t be everything to everybody all the time, that is the same if I had a child or not.  

Anyway it went on like that for over two hours.  Am I trying to fill some sort of hole or emptiness inside me??  I didn’t wake up one day and feel a hole.  I woke up one day and saw the little faces of children without parents, faces I’d never seen before, the word orphan was never real to me until I saw the faces on RR.  This made it real for me and I was astounded how many there are around the world.  The unfortunate thing is my hubby did not see the same thing and what I try to show him does not register with him as it does with me.  One of my children sees it, the other two are not so sure.  My parents though I think they would support us if hubby was completely willing but right now they’re weary of us bringing a strange child into the family.  I say it’s not even so much about what we think or want it’s about those children who wait and wait for someone, anyone to stand up for them.  But he’s waited for our children to grow up and next natural step would be to be to enjoy life without kids.  Really?  What is life without kids?  We can only go on so many trips before it becomes pointless; we can only watch TV for so many hours a day before you feel like you’re wasting away and we can only have so many conversations about politics, sports and the weather before it’s all meaningless. 

Then she says maybe it’s something in your childhood that’s still missing from your life or has left a scar.  I tell her my parents did not abuse me, they did not leave me hungry, I was not barefoot, I did not get locked up in a room, I may not have had a new bike or the latest doll but that’s hardly something that would leave a scar.  Honestly, I had an average life, not here and not as lavish as kids have it here but still an average happy childhood.  Also another thing was brought up that maybe I’m still angry that my hubby had a vasectomy after our third child; he only wanted two but we had one more and I probably would’ve had more after that but we stopped there.  Do I regret it a little, um yes, I did beg him at the time not to do it but he did it anyway.  There is a little of that in here but is it possible that we’re looking for reasons that aren’t there.  Why can’t, I want to help a child, be enough?  Why does it have to be more?  And yes I still want to nurture a small child, is that so horrible? 

So, the social worker is going on a month long holiday and it’s just as well.  We need to work through some more issues but what makes me stand so firm on this?  Is there an outside or other force holding me up on this?  Is God trying to teach me or us as a family a lesson?  I’ve mentioned before we have forsaken our faith.  We got busy with life as kids grew up and the faith has fallen by the wayside, everything else seemed to come first, be more important than going to church or saying a prayer or thinking of those who have less than we do.  I hope that this will soon be clear to all of us.

Point of no Return

I am hoping that the home study will soon come to an end.  The social worker still has to speak to our son who has also been reluctant but at last he has agreed to give of his time and be interviewed.  That's the thing with older kids, they've got minds of their own.  When kids are younger they're led more or less by their parents. The way they see it is another sibling to play with but when they're older they're not so keen on suddenly having a little one around the house again.  Their things and their privacy may be invaded and they don't want that.  So, they don't want to think about that child who is alone and in many cases malnourished, scared and sometimes in pain but if we don't then who will.  Other people, someone else, not me.  That's wrong.  It should be anyone and everyone, including us.  We are the other people.  We are them. 

So at last we may be at the end of the home study.  Maybe one more meeting for my hubby and I and I'm hoping that's it but we still have a long road before we can have a proposal.  So, again we are doing all this work without ever knowing who our child is and that's hard because that little light or that little face, that child is not there.  

Can't help but wonder even if we do complete the home study what does the future have in store for us?  Will we ever get past that point?  Will we ever get to that travel date?

I wish I could say yes but really I just don't know.