It Goes On and On

So, at last my son did meet with the social worker at her office.  For the longest time he would not go see her, then it was to be here and then finally he did go see her.  He didn't tell me what they talked about and I didn't ask.  He only said that he told the truth that he didn't think this was a good idea but that is not the most important part, it was more important what he had to say about growing up in this family and I hope that was all good.  The social worker liked all three of our children and it appears we did a good job with them.  They made some mistakes as kids do but they learned from them.

Then came our turn which I hoped would be our last session but that was a complete disaster; a very grueling; emotionally draining session.

My reluctant hubby has said he would go along with the home study to see what happens but at this session it all breaks apart.  He’s still not ready.  I am asked a million questions by the social worker what drives me.  Why can I not give in or give up?  I say I wanted to help a child.  She says children aged 1 to 3 don’t need me; there are plenty of other people ready to adopt young children.  I remind her that we stated 2 to 5.  She then goes on with what if this happens, what if that happens and the other.  I say we’d deal with it as we have been.  She says what if your husband needs you more, or your grown children whom we would need to continue to parent, what if my parents need me and I’d be stuck with a child.  First of all where do I come in on this, where is me, it seems ok for me to give to everyone else but not the other way around??  And second we had three children and things happen all the time, we dealt with it if we had a toddler, a seven year old or a teenager, it doesn’t matter.  You do what you can.  You can’t be everything to everybody all the time, that is the same if I had a child or not.  

Anyway it went on like that for over two hours.  Am I trying to fill some sort of hole or emptiness inside me??  I didn’t wake up one day and feel a hole.  I woke up one day and saw the little faces of children without parents, faces I’d never seen before, the word orphan was never real to me until I saw the faces on RR.  This made it real for me and I was astounded how many there are around the world.  The unfortunate thing is my hubby did not see the same thing and what I try to show him does not register with him as it does with me.  One of my children sees it, the other two are not so sure.  My parents though I think they would support us if hubby was completely willing but right now they’re weary of us bringing a strange child into the family.  I say it’s not even so much about what we think or want it’s about those children who wait and wait for someone, anyone to stand up for them.  But he’s waited for our children to grow up and next natural step would be to be to enjoy life without kids.  Really?  What is life without kids?  We can only go on so many trips before it becomes pointless; we can only watch TV for so many hours a day before you feel like you’re wasting away and we can only have so many conversations about politics, sports and the weather before it’s all meaningless. 

Then she says maybe it’s something in your childhood that’s still missing from your life or has left a scar.  I tell her my parents did not abuse me, they did not leave me hungry, I was not barefoot, I did not get locked up in a room, I may not have had a new bike or the latest doll but that’s hardly something that would leave a scar.  Honestly, I had an average life, not here and not as lavish as kids have it here but still an average happy childhood.  Also another thing was brought up that maybe I’m still angry that my hubby had a vasectomy after our third child; he only wanted two but we had one more and I probably would’ve had more after that but we stopped there.  Do I regret it a little, um yes, I did beg him at the time not to do it but he did it anyway.  There is a little of that in here but is it possible that we’re looking for reasons that aren’t there.  Why can’t, I want to help a child, be enough?  Why does it have to be more?  And yes I still want to nurture a small child, is that so horrible? 

So, the social worker is going on a month long holiday and it’s just as well.  We need to work through some more issues but what makes me stand so firm on this?  Is there an outside or other force holding me up on this?  Is God trying to teach me or us as a family a lesson?  I’ve mentioned before we have forsaken our faith.  We got busy with life as kids grew up and the faith has fallen by the wayside, everything else seemed to come first, be more important than going to church or saying a prayer or thinking of those who have less than we do.  I hope that this will soon be clear to all of us.