My Chinese Butterfly

At last, some word from the Ministry for a couple of minor revisions which have already been done and faxed back to them by our social worker yesterday. Sent off the last payment before the Dossier is sent to China so hopefully as soon as we get the letter from the Ministry the Dossier will be off to China. Of course there are more payments coming up but I believe this is it for now until there is a referral that is accepted. A bit of excitement in the long pause of waiting for our government approval. Then our Dossier still has to be translated in China but I'm hoping our LID may be before the Chinese New Year shut down. We will see how that goes. At this point we are still childless but the stars are aligning, the red thread tightening around one little one that is meant for us. While I was on vacation last week this butterfly sat in my hand and on my arm for hours in the bus while travelling. Never had I had a butterfly in my hand before, so fragile so precious, perhaps my Chinese little butterfly.

Step by Step

The agency asked me for a few more documents. Can there be something we've not submitted yet? There always sees to be another document and another and another. I think we're getting down to the bottom end of the Dossier, at least I hope so. Still, waiting on the provincial approval. So far they've not asked for anything additional so I hope they see fit to get it done and approved any day now. There are so many steps in this long journey, that's for sure.

 I sent in the second instalment plus a few extras. Then I have to send another payment to cover the China portion like the translation and their processing before they will send it off.

Is the DTC (Dossier to China) actually somewhere on the horizon? I sure hope so.

Ladybug's in the House

I have to mention that my son found a ladybug on the side of the fridge. I couldn't believe it when he said it but then he showed it to me. We did place the ladybug outside but I chose to believe the tradition that a ladybug is good luck in adoption.  So, yes, I'm happy about it. On another note little Rose has a family and it's not mine. Of course sad and happy about it. It happened when I just sent another email, a more serious one to my agency about checking for her file and asking what we'd have to do to apply for this child, seeing that the orphanage director is so reluctant to let the child be adopted and then next day I saw it on an advocating site that the child had a committed family. I contacted the agency to make sure and let them know that if this adoption does not go through to throw me a message if they can remember. So we shall see how the good Lord rules on this one. In the meantime when I spoke to a rep at my agency she kept saying, but the child doesn't move and she told me that little Rose has CP but what does that mean? Does it mean that she is not worth the effort? Is she not worth of a family? Certainly, I was not happy with that.

I also asked about a little girl on the shared list whose SN is partly wall eye, which I looked up and which basically means crossed eyes. The agency knew the child and said she cannot see. At this point I can ask about another child but it won't mean anything because we are still waiting on approval from our government and can't do anything about it. It's been over a month so I'm hoping we'll hear something soon.

Good night little Rose, may you have sweet dreams of your new family.

The Call

Just waiting on the Ministry for their OK to adopt and then waiting again to see what happens next. I'm sure the dossier has to be translated and all that. In the meantime little Rose waits in her crib, day in and day out staring at her little hands. She is a child who should be up and around, walking, running and having fun but she's not, she's an orphan half way around the world who is waiting for her mom and dad. Her voice is so tiny but I hope someone hears it. I heard it, her call, loud and clear but time will tell if we can answer that call.

Lingering Hope

Dossier, mostly complete was sent to the agency today to arrive tomorrow. At this point this really means nothing until we receive the approval from the Ministry but should we get it we're a step ahead. Basically the only thing that's left to write out is the Letter of Intent which seems a little intimidating to me. The agency did give me pointers so it's a matter of starting it but not sure how much I can complete it when I have to talk about the child's special need and as you know there is no child yet. So, I will write a general letter just to get something down on paper and have a starting point. I thought the Dossier would be a lot harder to compile than it was. It was easy actually, just follow steps and collect documents from one to the next and the next.

I was looking at an updated photo of little Rosie, of course, she has a different name now with her new agency but her update still does not say her true SN. Mostly hydrocephalus alone does not cause the child to be immobile all she does is lay on her back, she cannot roll over, sit or crawl. Though my heart breaks for her at our age I'm not sure if we can handle a child with life long care. I mean, I have to be realistic. What happens to her once we're gone?

There is always that small chance that with treatment she may improve and start to move and crawl and walk one day but right now she's had no treatment and the damage may be done for good. I want to believe so bad that with tender loving care and medical intervention she will become mobile but what if she doesn't. What also makes me believe that she can get better is because she looks malnourished.  Almost three years old and only nineteen pounds with tiny measurements. The last photos I saw of her showed a glint of hope still linger in her eyes that there might be a better tomorrow for her, that her parents are out there somewhere and they are coming but this updated photo only shows a hardened belief that no one is coming. I pray and hope to receive a sign that tells me if to wait for the agency to match us with a child they feel is right for us or do I fight for this one.

 Wow, I was sitting here wondering why I would chose this picture and doesn't the cloud on bottom right look a lot like the shape of China??!!

From Dossier to a Miracle

When they say adoption is a paper pregnancy they are not kidding. After you've done the home study for which you sign and gather many documents then comes the Dossier which is nothing more than more documents. By now many of the documents we could've used, like the police checks are outdated and we have to get new ones. On Saturday we got our police checks again but I'm hoping we don't have to re-do the fingerprints. I'll see what the agency says. We also got our passport photos taken. Before that I did some certified documents and more photocopies, printed photos, digital photos. Really, I think I have most of it done, just waiting on two more reference letters, one employment letter and a couple of other things. So, it's paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork, waiting on this, waiting on that. Again it makes me wonder if we'll ever get to the point of where we might see a child's file or have a referral. It all still seems so far away and it's super hard to keep working at all this without a child in mind, without their picture, without knowing if there ever will be a child. Little Rosie had resurfaced somehow and my agency called her orphanage but she is not better. She is a bedridden child we just don't know why. It could be her untreated hydrocephalus, or she might have CP, or if she didn't meet her milestones on time she may have been neglected, at this point we just don't know, the only thing we know is that she can't do much. If anything with her changes it would be a miracle so let's hope for a miracle.

Waiting on the Ministry

Today our home study was sent to the Ministry for approval.  Honestly, I didn't think it was ever going to happen; first that the home study would be completed and then that it would be mailed for approval but miracles happen and it was done today. So, now we wait to see how that goes. I've not heard of too many people being rejected but I suppose it could happen and I'd have to be prepared for that. Would it be over for us then? I suppose there are appeals that could be done but I won't think about it now. I rejoice that this huge part of adoption is complete. Next is the dossier, another huge step, lot's of paperwork and even more patience is involved. I have most of it together already but documents need to be certified and passport photos taken. I mean, we have passports but the photos for China's files. I have to remember to smile. In the meantime, life goes on. We're in middle of colds right now. It's that time of year I have to pull out the winter coats and have them ready because here we usually go from summer right to winter, not much of in between. Today got pretty cold and snow flurries are called for. I can't wait for Halloween with my grandson; it should be fun and for that child that waits I hope one day she will have some Halloween fun too.

 



This Year

This year is sure moving along. Summer is over and fall is here, soon even old man winter will be knocking at our door. Not looking forward to that, that's for sure. Here I thought we'd be done with our home study this time last year but we are just post home study now. I sent in the signed agency contract and am waiting for the home study to be sent over to the agency. It is so on the line of six months after which point we may need an update visit with the social worker. I hope the Ministry overlooks that a little bit. I was told to fill out the citizenship application and send it in now as it could take up to three months for approval. Really? Three months to process some paperwork. So I filled it out, certified some documents and sent that in. There is a few other things I could do but not much really until our home study is approved by the Ministry then after that some heavy duty funds will be going out. I can't even imagine how some people can do this more than once, I mean this costs some money but how, I ask you, how can you put a price on a child's life? Of course, you can't. I just wish it didn't cost so much to help a child.

Chances

Sometimes life takes strange turns, ones you never saw coming. Why a new purpose at this stage of the game who knows? Is there some sort of plan already written, is someone other than you writing it? Some of these things we’ll never know but the journeys we take could just be a new learning curve and if you shy away from it you’ll never learn. So, we’ve got to keep learning to take a chance.

Agency Registration Mailed

All at the right time, I suppose but finally I've had the ok to mail the agency registration. My husband is a wonderful man but he has many concerns, rightfully so. This is a huge step, much bigger than I ever imagined. I waited to mail the registration because I wanted him to be ok with it and at last he was but how quick some people make it look. It appears that many people simply decide to adopt and so they do but perhaps it's not as quick as it seems. For some it's years in the making. It's long time a coming. It's always in the back of their minds and for some it comes later in life, when their family is already grown up and now life throws them a curve ball and they get the call.  Is there really "a call"?? I didn't think so at first. How do you get a call? What call? There is no call. A person or persons make a conscious decision to adopt; to give a gesture of help to the world situation of orphans. It wasn't us, we didn't always have it in the back of our minds. Sure we were sensitive to the plight of the orphans and we helped in some other ways but as suddenly as it came down to me that what I really need to do is help in the way of adoption, to give one child a home, it was so out of the blue that really there is no explanation for it other than that I got "the call". Could that be true? Is the call real?  I hope so because I mailed the registration to the FOI agency with the registration check and let the chips fall where there may or let sweet Jesus lead the way.

When is it Enough?

I've no news at this point about my own adoption but it seems other do.  They are adopting another child.  Yet again they've heard the call to adopt. It makes me wonder how some are called or are enabled to adopt again and again.  No sooner had they brought their newest son or daughter home and in some cases more than one a time and now another child catches their eye and so they start the process over again. How is it fair that some adopt many times and others do not get to do it once? If they already adopted five or six times is this not enough?  When is it enough?  Then again there is always the question of what is their secret?  How do they overcome all the obstacles of financing, disagreeable relatives, children or spouses? Are they really more special than others? Etc Etc

Even though at the bottom of it is a matter of helping a child, no matter who the parents happen to be as long as they are willing and able to provide for it, there's still that kernel of jealousy, why them and not me? Am I not special enough. Am I lacking in some way of love and finances so therefore I am incapable to provide this to another child? I can't see how that can be. I've provided plenty for three children I've raised already and we continue to spoil our grandson with everything he needs and more. So why then do some enabled to adopt multiple times and others are not?

The Stress of it All

Wow, how does everyone deal with the stress of adoption? 

The waiting, the anticipation, the home study meetings, the uncertainty of how it will end, the bleeps and hick ups, the paperwork; it is not an easy journey but no one said it would be easy. It's hard, much work goes into it and still we persevere because the end result is so worth it. It's like when you really, really want to be pregnant and have a baby and you can't, for some unknown reason it just isn't happening. I know, our first baby took a while but when it did happen it just made everything that was hard disappear.

That's not so say that parenting is always easy, it's not, it sure has it trials and tribulations and it tests you good and yet still you would not give it up for the world because there are so many good moments, tiny capsules of treasure floating throughout our lives.  It consumes you and you're more than happy to give yourself to it.

That's how the adoption process is.  It's hard and yet you can't stop because you know there is a child waiting on you. But now that the home study is done I just need to take a breather for a moment, recoup my strength. I'm sure everyone's done that at one point or another, you need to if you are to get through it.

The final report of the Home Study has arrived. What is next?

Hallelujah

As amazing as it is the Home Study is finally in my hands. I am beyond excited I cried. I opened the email from our social worker and there it was, the draft of the home study. I understand now I have to go over it carefully and correct anything that needs correcting or changing but it is done. It is finally done and it is real. Up til now it almost seemed like it was not real, or like it would never really end; it would just go on and on with no end in site but now it's here. I read through it quickly, reading some of it out to hubby. It is long and it was longer still before. The social worker said she had to cut it down a lot. I guess when the adoptive parents are older there is a lot of material to go through. She had to use her discretion and slice it down but it's good. It's very good and best of all her recommendation is ... to move ahead towards adoption.

Even with all the challenges we were able to work through them and she was able to find positive outcomes but I know that even that is no guarantee that I will be able to help one child. Will we adopt? God seems to be revealing the answer to that one step at  a time and in each step we learn and we grow and so each step is very crucial for us.

I can see it now. It is building love, strength and faith in each other like never before. This child is teaching us so much already. How can we forsake her?  We cannot.

Never Ending Home Study

Well, what seemed like the never ending home study is coming to a close. I contacted our social worker and she said it should be done by the end of the month. Hearing those words or rather reading them in the email made me all giddy inside. Up to now the home study seemed sort of unreal to me. I realized we were going through it but it did not appear to have an ending or some sort of completion or almost as if we were doing it for nothing. Not having a child to commit to makes it pointless in a way because you don't know if in the end, if there is an end if even there will ever be a child for you. Still I persevered because I believe there is a child whose red thread is leading us to her and that's what's making me go on, be unable to give up no matter what obstacles are put before me. She is out there, of that I'm sure. 

Currently we are on vacation for two weeks and are busy doing this and that, some day trips so this will bring the end of the month that much quicker because you know how when you are at work time moves at a snail's pace but should you be on vacation it goes super fast and before you know it you are back at work, in my case back at the office reading emails I don't want to read and solving other people's problems I don't want to even think about because my mind is elsewhere; on what I have to do at home, on family, on how to find more time to spend with my grandson and yes on China.  When they say is China calling you?? It is for sure. With so many children to help, how could we help them all. I saw recently the face of a little boy, such a sad little face, on the boy's shared list. His name is Jayden, he's 3 or 4. There is a picture of him with his two little arms in front of him, shoulders and elbows dislocated, the little hands turned inward, fingers missing but the look on his face just got me straight in the heart. It's sadness, embarrassment, annoyance, impatience, anger all rolled into one; like why me, why did this have to happen to me, what am I suppose to do with these, I'm stuck, I can't do anything.  Though I'm sure he's learning to do things and is adjusting to some degree I'm also sure that some surgery and therapy would do wonders for this little boy and not just for his motor skills but his disposition as well.

Many of these children await a simple procedure so they could live a better life, some await complex surgeries and many procedures but it could mean so much to these little ones if someone will just take a chance on them.

Heart Babies

The more I read about the little heart babies the more I wonder how these kids survive. How do they survive in an orphanage where they hardly get the proper medical care they need.  Some of them go for years tired and struggling for breath before they get the life saving surgery.  Many of them never do and they don't make it.  It's hard to think about just how many kids don't make it unless someone takes a chance on them but even then there are no guarantees that it will come out right. 

Of course sometimes even the best of medicine or surgeries just aren't enough to save a life but at least they had a chance; someone had taken a leap of faith and did all they could do to give that child a decent life. It's probably more then they could ever have hoped for to be given a chance at love, family, happiness even if for a short while. 

So I hope all the little heart babies get their chance sooner rather than later; they deserve it just as much as anyone.

China Waiting Children and PKU

I know, it’s been so quiet on my blog; that’s because nothing is happening right now but just waiting for the home study to be written up. I’m so anxious for it to be submitted.  I did check in with the social worker and she did have to be away for a few days on a personal matter but she said my home study is moving along.  It hope it is.  It almost seems right now like it’s not real, not until I see it and hold it in my hands. In the meantime I’m hoping to at least advocate for some children still waiting for their families.  There are a few girls I’ve noticed with PKU, there are two over the age of 5 and one just had a adoption disruption because she’s more delayed then the family was lead to believe. That is so sad but it is a reality of PKU that if left untreated there will be brain damage; even if the brain was perfect at birth if too much protein reaches it and the child does not get the formula of extra nutrients and vitamins required for proper growth and development she will be delayed, have behavioral issues, IQ will be low. Then there is a two year old who still has a chance if proper gluten free food is fed to her and a special formula added, her blood checked monthly to grow up to her best potential. Children with PKU are usually quite thin but this girl looks well fed so I’m not sure if she’s getting the proper PKU diet. I’m sure every child reacts differently to this condition but special food could be very costly for an orphanage so I don’t see them accommodating that.  Although the look in her eyes tells me she may not be getting the specific low protein diet already, the brain damage or developmental delay may not show for years to come.  So the intervention time for this little one is now.  She is still listed on an advocating website though she may be already adopted and hopefully getting the diet she so needs. Not that I'm an expert on PKU but this is what I've learned so far.

Unusual and Exciting

I guess my blog is not really a blog unless I blog on it but not much is going on in regards to our adoption.  The home study is still being written up and until it is done I can’t do anything else or at least it would not make much sense to go ahead with the dossier until the home study is approved.  Has it happened to anyone that it was not approved?  I don’t think I’ve ever read anywhere of a home study not being approved but there is always a first time so I just want to make sure that part has gone through before I think about anything else.  So, I sit here waiting and wondering really, why would anyone at this stage of their lives, past fifty want to bring more children into their home?  I suppose it would be the same reason that someone who already has five kids, or ten and even fifteen would still want to adopt; they enjoy raising children. It is wonderful, rewarding and you have a good time doing it.  At the same time you are helping a child with medicals, education and most importantly love they would not otherwise have. It works both ways.  There is satisfaction at both ends of this spectrum called adoption.  I watched the Little Couple adopt their baby boy Will, what a joy he will bring to their lives. He’s adorable. So should they in their situation adopt?  Of course they should.  Anytime there is a desire to help a child it is a good one.  But let’s not forget that there is a certain amount of excitement involved here too.  Why do some couples adopt again and again? I can’t disregard that they crave this excitement; to “find” your child, to know your child is “waiting” for you, to “meet” your child and to bring your child home and watch him/her “grow”. It is unusual and exciting.   But above all if helping a child is in your heart then that’s all that matters.

Here is a recent pic of my little grandson.

Home Study - Done !

So, we are done with the home study.  It’s hard to believe it but it’s true.  It will take another few weeks to get it all written up but I am so relieved that this part is over.  My husband was with me and in fact we celebrated our 30^th Wedding Anniversary the day before; got a huge bouquet of roses and flowers which was so thoughtful of him.  So he can’t be all that mad at me for putting him through this.  We shall see what unravels if anything after this or will I come to the conclusion that still I can’t do this.  I’m too old.  Then I look at these other ladies my age who have just brought a child home from China and they seem to be able to do it just fine; raise a young child I mean, some of them have more than one which is amazing I think.  When your will is so strong to help a child that you bring home four or five children and you can see them blossom with love and care that is all that counts, not what age you are.  At the bottom of it all you do what you have to do to keep that child fed, clothed and loved, you just do it, it’s a natural instinct in us and it doesn’t matter if you’re thirty or you’re fifty. When they grow up to be a teenager will they be embarrassed to have an older mom?  Probably but at least they have a mom and dad; that safety net they need to prosper.   

For now I breathe a sigh of relief that we’ve scaled this mountain but I know there are more mountains to come.  Still the home study has to go into the government and be approved.  Right now we don’t see a reason why it wouldn’t be but you never know what they’re looking for.  So we’re looking at the summer by the time this is all said and done if summer ever comes.  Temperatures here are up and down every day so that there is no real promise of spring much less summer but hopefully soon.  

Never did I think when I was younger that I would be on this road to help a child in this way but something in me just says that this is exactly where I should be.

30 Years This Tuesday

This week we celebrate our 30the Wedding Anniversary.  Yes, we’ve been married thirty years and in that time successfully raised three children.  That whole time we were watching them grow up and making sure they have everything they need to learn to be adults themselves and now they are.  Our job is done or so I thought and so my DH still thinks.  We are done. So how is it that if one is called to help an orphan/adopt that the calling comes after you think you were done raising children?  Why is it for some people it’s before they even start a family, or during raising a family and for some it’s after?  Yes, I know the plan is his, not ours. I try telling to my DH but it’s not sticking.  I told him it has nothing to do with us or what we want, or feel or think. The plan is his. Still he is doubtful. I can’t help that thinking that there is a lesson to be learned here in some way. I wish I knew what it was. What is it exactly I am fighting for? Is there a child really meant for us or is it something even greater than that?  But what can be greater than the gift of a life for both child and us?

Though I’m firmly on this road I’m still so full of questions.  I wish the questions were answered all at once … now but I have to be patient and surely I’m learning to be patient much more than I ever have before.  At times my nerves are raw and the slightest bit upsets me but that too I need to learn to control, take a deep breath and go on.  Is this what it was like for Jesus Christ when he was on the cross for us who took a deep heavy breath with each fall so he can go on.  Someone wrote in a Yahoo group, adoption is not for the faint of heart; no it’s not but you can certainly learn from it, you can find strengths in you that you never knew you had, strengths that are dug up and brought to the surface and you realize these are the values that make you who you are, who you’ve always been; in my case perhaps, a good mom.

Be As It May

There is so much waiting in adoption.  You do a couple of steps and then you wait.  With the home study you wish you could do it all at once but you can’t.  There is so much the social worker wants to cover especially in our case and then even the social worker needs a holiday.  So we wait for her to come back.  In the meantime my DH and I are doing more talking and there is some peace at completing the home study and hopefully achieving a successful outcome.  My belief that we were meant to do this (help a child)  has not wavered but we have both had to come to a compromise.  I know in adoption there is no compromise, you either do it or you don’t do it but that’s just it, I realized that is the compromise – after completing the home study and getting an approval we will decide then to either adopt or don’t adopt.  I have had to accept that the adoption may not happen.  I can’t force it to happen. I cannot put a child into that situation where it may not be wanted.  I will let the dice roll where it may so to speak.  My DH has agreed that it may or may not happen which is a step ahead of it will not happen as it originally began.  In fact this weekend he has seen me buy a piece of clothing or two for this child and he smiled and said he is ok with it.  He has admitted he can see how my eyes light up when he mentions China.  I am praying about a child but I’m afraid to think too much, care too much, ask too much about her but she is neglected and needs help very badly.  I wish I could whisk her out of there right now but I can’t, I have to wait and see what God has in mind for us.  We went to church again on Sunday, all our kids, grandson, my parents, my niece, I brought them all, is this what you wanted my Lord, I say.  My time through the home study has been emotionally painful, is this my sacrifice to you?  If so, here it is, here is my sacrifice and acceptance of you again, my Lord.   

Fortune Cookie Speaks Truth

And now for something completely different; my fortune cookie from last weekend hit the nail on the head.  Not sure who or how they come up with these wordings but it seems to have been created just for me.  It was on my Instagram but here it is again.  I just like looking at it and thinking how appropriate it is but it’s become a battle with us and the battle is hard.  Huge mountains have to be moved in order for this to happen.  They are moving but very slowly, inch by inch. 

However a few good things have already happened as a result of this journey.  For the medicals we had to be weight and it seems my husband did not like what he saw, I liked it even less for “many” reasons.  I’ve talked to him about the weight before but it just didn’t seem to hit home like a look at that number on the scale which of course he tries to avoid.  Ever since he’s been doing something about it and there are results.  Thank the Lord for that.  This makes me very happy and my husband healthier.  We are talking more with the kids and each other which also makes me happy and most of all, we have found a way back to our church and hopefully back into our faith that we have fallen out of.  If we are being called to adopt, we are being called back to our faith even more so.  In that case I have been called first because I would be more receptive and I am and through me my husband is starting to hear it to, though he tries not to and resists but deep in his heart I believe he knows that when people say something has to be done; someone has to do something; if only every family took in a child there would be no more orphans and innocent children would suffer no longer – that someone includes us.  It’s not for the rich or the most perfect parent, it’s for people like us; ordinary people who care enough to do something to help a child in need.  Also, for older parents who’ve already had the blessings of children now grown up it is a chance to pay it forward for the life they had; give one little lost soul a chance at life it may otherwise never have.   

It Goes On and On

So, at last my son did meet with the social worker at her office.  For the longest time he would not go see her, then it was to be here and then finally he did go see her.  He didn't tell me what they talked about and I didn't ask.  He only said that he told the truth that he didn't think this was a good idea but that is not the most important part, it was more important what he had to say about growing up in this family and I hope that was all good.  The social worker liked all three of our children and it appears we did a good job with them.  They made some mistakes as kids do but they learned from them.

Then came our turn which I hoped would be our last session but that was a complete disaster; a very grueling; emotionally draining session.

My reluctant hubby has said he would go along with the home study to see what happens but at this session it all breaks apart.  He’s still not ready.  I am asked a million questions by the social worker what drives me.  Why can I not give in or give up?  I say I wanted to help a child.  She says children aged 1 to 3 don’t need me; there are plenty of other people ready to adopt young children.  I remind her that we stated 2 to 5.  She then goes on with what if this happens, what if that happens and the other.  I say we’d deal with it as we have been.  She says what if your husband needs you more, or your grown children whom we would need to continue to parent, what if my parents need me and I’d be stuck with a child.  First of all where do I come in on this, where is me, it seems ok for me to give to everyone else but not the other way around??  And second we had three children and things happen all the time, we dealt with it if we had a toddler, a seven year old or a teenager, it doesn’t matter.  You do what you can.  You can’t be everything to everybody all the time, that is the same if I had a child or not.  

Anyway it went on like that for over two hours.  Am I trying to fill some sort of hole or emptiness inside me??  I didn’t wake up one day and feel a hole.  I woke up one day and saw the little faces of children without parents, faces I’d never seen before, the word orphan was never real to me until I saw the faces on RR.  This made it real for me and I was astounded how many there are around the world.  The unfortunate thing is my hubby did not see the same thing and what I try to show him does not register with him as it does with me.  One of my children sees it, the other two are not so sure.  My parents though I think they would support us if hubby was completely willing but right now they’re weary of us bringing a strange child into the family.  I say it’s not even so much about what we think or want it’s about those children who wait and wait for someone, anyone to stand up for them.  But he’s waited for our children to grow up and next natural step would be to be to enjoy life without kids.  Really?  What is life without kids?  We can only go on so many trips before it becomes pointless; we can only watch TV for so many hours a day before you feel like you’re wasting away and we can only have so many conversations about politics, sports and the weather before it’s all meaningless. 

Then she says maybe it’s something in your childhood that’s still missing from your life or has left a scar.  I tell her my parents did not abuse me, they did not leave me hungry, I was not barefoot, I did not get locked up in a room, I may not have had a new bike or the latest doll but that’s hardly something that would leave a scar.  Honestly, I had an average life, not here and not as lavish as kids have it here but still an average happy childhood.  Also another thing was brought up that maybe I’m still angry that my hubby had a vasectomy after our third child; he only wanted two but we had one more and I probably would’ve had more after that but we stopped there.  Do I regret it a little, um yes, I did beg him at the time not to do it but he did it anyway.  There is a little of that in here but is it possible that we’re looking for reasons that aren’t there.  Why can’t, I want to help a child, be enough?  Why does it have to be more?  And yes I still want to nurture a small child, is that so horrible? 

So, the social worker is going on a month long holiday and it’s just as well.  We need to work through some more issues but what makes me stand so firm on this?  Is there an outside or other force holding me up on this?  Is God trying to teach me or us as a family a lesson?  I’ve mentioned before we have forsaken our faith.  We got busy with life as kids grew up and the faith has fallen by the wayside, everything else seemed to come first, be more important than going to church or saying a prayer or thinking of those who have less than we do.  I hope that this will soon be clear to all of us.

Point of no Return

I am hoping that the home study will soon come to an end.  The social worker still has to speak to our son who has also been reluctant but at last he has agreed to give of his time and be interviewed.  That's the thing with older kids, they've got minds of their own.  When kids are younger they're led more or less by their parents. The way they see it is another sibling to play with but when they're older they're not so keen on suddenly having a little one around the house again.  Their things and their privacy may be invaded and they don't want that.  So, they don't want to think about that child who is alone and in many cases malnourished, scared and sometimes in pain but if we don't then who will.  Other people, someone else, not me.  That's wrong.  It should be anyone and everyone, including us.  We are the other people.  We are them. 

So at last we may be at the end of the home study.  Maybe one more meeting for my hubby and I and I'm hoping that's it but we still have a long road before we can have a proposal.  So, again we are doing all this work without ever knowing who our child is and that's hard because that little light or that little face, that child is not there.  

Can't help but wonder even if we do complete the home study what does the future have in store for us?  Will we ever get past that point?  Will we ever get to that travel date?

I wish I could say yes but really I just don't know.

One Foot in Front of the Other

We're actually having the home inspection.  I never thought it would come to that.  It just seemed like the home study would never end; we would forever be under the microscope, talking about ourselves and exposing some of our most inner thoughts.  It got pretty personal at times and emotional going through some of the tougher times.  As far as the house goes I think it's pretty much in order except for the two extra rooms; they need renovation.  The one room where our daughter is has been redone but two more rooms need a make over and so does ours but it will be the last on the list.  The den which our niece used as a bedroom was recently painted a nice bright yellow but a little too bright and I might still want to change it.  My books will probably come back into it and some of our grandson's toys though one of the two, extra rooms will still be his room.  So, still lots of work ahead but for now, for the inspection they have been cleaned up the best they can be and it will do.  She will get the idea that there is room here for the child.  I wish we were further ahead and that our dossier was already in China so that we may be able to look at some children's files but as it is we'll have to keep plugging along, one foot in front of the other to get through the home study of all home studies.  I'm hoping that once this is done the rest will be a breeze.

The Knowing

Had another home study session.  Talked so much about our childhood, best moments, worst moments etc.  A lot of memories and emotions brought out and dealt with.   We did miss one session because the social worker got sick.  Next one is next Monday.  So still a session, not a home  inspection.  It just seems to be dragging on very long nevertheless has to be done with.  The RH hubby is always quiet at first but then does get into it and talks a lot and even says some favorable things.  I'm so proud of him for that.  I have been looking at the China adoption program but there isn't a lot of time for that, basically a year and a half before the hubby is too old.  There are so many children there too who need a family and not just girls, many, many boys too.  Their special needs seem to be different than that of Russia or Ukraine but there are so many sweet faces there and smiles that tug at your heart .  The social worker also told me that Lithuania is making more files available for special needs adoption so their program is opening up more and more and it is a country we should look into.  To think that almost two years ago I had no idea there were so many orphaned children, that while some were ok many were suffering, I didn't know their names, I didn't know their faces and frankly I didn't care,  I had my own family to worry about.  That was then and this is now, after I saw their faces, learned of their names, birthdays, their plight.  Now I know and nothing will be the same ever again.

How Many Will it Take

Home study appointments that is; how many will it take to complete with a reluctant husband?  Well, at least three more.  There are many issues to work through, for the hubby to realize just why he is so hesitant, what is scaring him so much.  All he sees is gloom and doom and a lot of work ahead that he is not prepared to handle ... anymore.  He's done with it.  Been there, done that.  First, tonight at the home study we got lots more paperwork to fill out and sign etc.   I already had a medical report filled out that I got from the agency that covers Russia but the home study program has its own report, different from that of the agency.  So, we have to go again. 

It just so happens I called the Doctor's office to schedule our physicals but I was told physicals are on hold indefinitely due to the Ontario Ministry is considering cutting physicals.  It appears they are not necessary anymore, healthy people don't need physicals; it is just a waste of money.  What they propose instead is doing separate appointments for each test you normally get at a physical.  Wait a minute.  I like my physicals.  I may not go religiously exactly once a year but I get it done.  When I know that nothing is wrong it makes me feel better.  This is in the works right now.  Instead of one appointment I might need five.  Isn't that a waste of money, my money?  I wonder who came up with that idea.  We'll see what happens.

Back to the home study, we got into some heavy topics tonight but almost two hours later we made it through it.  The hubby was all serious at first then he started talking, getting into it.  I held my breath at first then was glad he relaxed and most of all he surprised me at the very end.  The social worker said, well, you've been through some trials with your three children so you know that kids are not perfect.  Some people go into adoption thinking it will all be perfect.  Hubby said, oh no, he's well aware whether it's our own kid or adopted kid there will be problems but we will give the child all the help the child needs, we just need to be patient and work through the problems together.  He has never yet referred to doing anything for the child; only what he would not do; you know he didn't want to do this again or that again.  So, this was ground breaking.  Amen to that.

Forward Bound

It's like spring out there.  It's wet and rainy and warm out there.  Tomorrow it's going up to 13 degrees C.  It's January, middle of almost, so how can this be? Not that I'm complaining, just saying but I know the worst is yet to come.  We're not out of the woods here.

Our home session next week is still on schedule. Here it costs three thousand and the training course is seperate and costs fifteen hundred.  We still have more payments to put in but hopefully we'll make it to the end.  I've checked into an agency for China adoptions and they seem reasonable but it will still be an uphill battle.  The worst part is that we cannot be working towards a particular child but any child.  Of course it's not useless but it does keep your mind more focused.  Right now my mind is all over the place.  Will we ever complete the home study?  Will our dossier be accepted? Will we even come to the point of receiving a referral?  Most importantly of course, will my husband ever say yes?  Will God speak to his heart the way he has to mine?  What is the point of only speaking to one?

That's a lot of unanswered questions I wish I knew answers to.  We are coming to a close of getting all the police records and fingerprints done.  Then there are physicals.  First let's get past the next home study session and then hopefully go forward.

Here are a few photos from the end of 2012.

We Made It

We have made it to 2013 !   ---   According to the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of 2013 is the Year of the Snake, which begins on February 10, 2013 and ends on January 30, 2014.  The Snake is the sixth sign of the Chinese Zodiac, which consists of 12 Animal Signs.  It is the enigmatic,  intuitive, introspective, refined and collected of the Animals Signs.  Ancient Chinese wisdom says a Snake in the house is a good omen because it means that your family will not starve. 

That is rather important if one is planning on adding a child to the family, we don't want anyone starving.  Let's hope that doesn't happen here.  Right now everything is bountiful but we still must be careful to make sure it stays that way.

So, Happy New Year everyone and good luck.