Be As It May

There is so much waiting in adoption.  You do a couple of steps and then you wait.  With the home study you wish you could do it all at once but you can’t.  There is so much the social worker wants to cover especially in our case and then even the social worker needs a holiday.  So we wait for her to come back.  In the meantime my DH and I are doing more talking and there is some peace at completing the home study and hopefully achieving a successful outcome.  My belief that we were meant to do this (help a child)  has not wavered but we have both had to come to a compromise.  I know in adoption there is no compromise, you either do it or you don’t do it but that’s just it, I realized that is the compromise – after completing the home study and getting an approval we will decide then to either adopt or don’t adopt.  I have had to accept that the adoption may not happen.  I can’t force it to happen. I cannot put a child into that situation where it may not be wanted.  I will let the dice roll where it may so to speak.  My DH has agreed that it may or may not happen which is a step ahead of it will not happen as it originally began.  In fact this weekend he has seen me buy a piece of clothing or two for this child and he smiled and said he is ok with it.  He has admitted he can see how my eyes light up when he mentions China.  I am praying about a child but I’m afraid to think too much, care too much, ask too much about her but she is neglected and needs help very badly.  I wish I could whisk her out of there right now but I can’t, I have to wait and see what God has in mind for us.  We went to church again on Sunday, all our kids, grandson, my parents, my niece, I brought them all, is this what you wanted my Lord, I say.  My time through the home study has been emotionally painful, is this my sacrifice to you?  If so, here it is, here is my sacrifice and acceptance of you again, my Lord.